Q: What Is White And Stuck Up A Tree?

A: A fridge

It remains the funniest joke in the world. I remember with far too much clarity all the hours that Munro and I quite frankly wasted in absolute hysterics at this simple gag. It can only be topped by the following jokes:

Q: What's white and stands in a corner?
A: A naughty fridge

Q: What's white and blue and stands in a corner?
A: A fridge in a denim jacket.

For all those who are sneering at these jokes, I pah, and then pah again at you. Such people are missing the point. There is no funnier concept than a fridge. I dare you to find one funnier.

Although, possibly the only funnier thing than that remains my beloved boyfriend, Mike. His errors range from the simple to the life threatening. He is certainly someone who you would not allow to jokingly push you when you're standing on a cliff edge as it would be a certain plummet onto the rocks below. That said, we had a great, relatively disaster free two days on the Isle of Rottnest, just off the coast of Perth. It is an island famous for its miniature wallaby-like creature, the quokka. It is also a vehicle free area which means that you get to cycle everywhere. Apart from some choice drenchings, this was an entertaining way to travel and also ensures that you have a very sore butt for some days after.

We also went to the UWA campus for a day of live, local bands at the cunningly named 'In The Pines'. As day-long music festivals back in fair Ireland usually involve crossed arms and huddling in man made mud pits, I was unsure of what to expect. Australia, being the land of Eskys, foldable canvas chairs and bottomless bags of crisps, ensured that it was lots of trendy looking 'hipsters' (in the words of a certain nerd bound Canadian) with impeccable picnics. We, however, had to make do with sitting on Mike's waterproof and sharing a raspberry muffin.

V Is For Voracious Verbosity

Hello!

Firstly, what on earth has stemmed this frantic Bebo nonsense? Everyone has bowed to the pressure of being an online diarist - this I can understand - but what makes the Bebo formula so appealing? I have considered it but unfortunately, I am too lazy and unproductive to maintain both a sketchily written blog and photo page to indulge in yet more vainglorious activity. I'm sure that you can all forgive me.

Easter weekend was, however, most productive. We headed down to the Southwest of WA and saw, amongst other wondrous sites, a wave shaped rock, cunningly known as Wave Rock, a 70 metre high tree which we were silly enough to climb, several beautiful beaches, a 2km jetty, a valley of veritable Giants, a chocolate factory, yet more wineries, as well as many badly based arguments over the musical ability of the Counting Crows. It was a wonderful four days. We travelled with Jason, a sardonic Aussie and two German girls, Brigid and Kristin who were both lovely and very entertaining. We had muchus funnus. It's hard to dispute the wonders that life holds for you when you're on a practically deserted, absolutely beautiful beach, riding user-friendly waves and burying a German girl in the sand. It will be a difficult weekend to top.

I also got to return to my home town of Albany. I've found that when you feel the threatening wave of nostalgia, then you're already boring people too much with your 'I remember when...' talk. It also has the added effect of making you feel a donkey's tail width away from being ancient.

Mike and I took a lazy afternoon (after attending a circuit training class where I was too weak to use weights properly) at the movies with Hugo Weaving's chocolate-y voice for company. Mike patiently explained to me that Mr Weaving is every nerd's hero - Agent Smith, an irate elf and a heroic revolutionary all rolled into one delectably cold stare. I, however, would just like him to brandish a sword at me and give a lecture on the origin of ballpoint pens. His voice is that sexy.

Australians Love Easter More Than Barbeques!

This may be a slightly unsubstantiated, wildly imaginative claim but this is a country that embraces Easter like Jesus himself was made from chocolate. For one, the kids get about three weeks school holidays. Secondly, Aussies are the largest consumers of Easter eggs in the world (irate health officials - boo! - were trying to ban a 1.2 kilogram egg, saying that kids have a warped idea of how much chocolate they actually require and that its very existence encourages obesity. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't see any problem with a child eating an egg that weighs roughly the same as a small baby). Mike just set me up a lovely Easter egg hunt which ended with a giant egg, as well as lots of small ones on the way. Call in the obesity police now!

Since our return from Exmouth, we have been keeping things cheap and cheerful, apart from a birthday dinner on Sunday night. We are planning a four day road trip down south, calling in on Albany, Esperance, Denmark (the unfortunately named town not to be confused with the country. It is famous for its alpacas!), the Margaret River region (famous for its wine) and Walpole (famous for its giant karri trees). It will be an Easter shaped adventure of fun and frolics.

You will all be glad to know that I have recovered from my life threatening, debilitation jelly fish stings. I plan to keep eating Easter eggs until I have recovered from the emotional trauma. Happy Easter, everyone!

Boredom Hits

How quickly the mighty fall. Only yesterday, I was the proud owner of several vivid jellyfish stings (it's cool, you can actually see a pattern that the tentacles have etched across my skin, like groovy Sixties' wallpaper) and today, due to a bloody cyclone, we have been laid low by the all encompassing disease of boredom. That's right, Cyclone Hubert ('coincidentally', Mike's middle name is Hubert - he caused this, I know he did!) is about to hit Exmouth and all fun outdoorsy activities have been cancelled. This would have been ok, if fun outdoorsy activities weren't the absolute only things to do here.

Malheureusement, they are.

So, these are our current alternatives:

1) Cryptic crosswords
2) Booing each other sporadically
3) Watching a fuzzy tennis game (TV reception is rubbish up here)
4) Eating inferior Australian chocolate
5) Reading the 'erotic fiction' section of Cosmo
6) Tickling
7) Waiting until a respectable time to start drinking


See? Not everything when you're travelling is fun and escapism. You all have my permission to smirk when 160 kph winds are threatening to rough up our poorly shackled together dorm room.

Jellyfish Attack! (and I have the battle wounds to prove it)

I am lovingly and tenderly stroking my throat in between typing spurts at the moment. Rather disconcertingly I was unfairly and viciously attacked by a gang of jellyfish hooligans. They are a group of well known criminals, identifiable by their long, trailing tentacles which resemble a Medusa like head of hair. They respond solely to the calls of currents. And, most importantly, if you're hanging from an anchor chain for a three minute safety stop, THERE IS NO ESCAPE!

Ok, ok it wasn't quite that dramatic. I was about 16 metres down and turned around and BOOM! there was a mass of jellyfish tentacles and they got me in the neck and across the face. Oddly, they didn't affect my hands as I tried desperately to claw them away. The fact that the jellyfish were stunningly beautiful only made me hate them more.

Freeman and I have undertaken three dives in the past two days and countless snorkelling sessions. We are currently in Exmouth and the Gulf of Exmouth runs onto Ningaloo Reef which is famous for its accessibility and its whale sharks. Unfortunately, we were deprived of this giant plankton consuming creature today but we get a second chance on Saturday. Besides, we saw loads of really cool creatures, including a huge manta ray, schools of feeding surgeon fish, a wobbegong (hee!), sea cucumbers, a large and ugly potato cod and half a lobster. All in all, not a bad visual haul.

I shall stop boring you about ocean related things, even though that is all that Freeman and I have really been up to. I shall bore you instead about some of our fellow tour people, including a Swiss/German guy with a large belly that wore indiscriminately skimpy Speedos. S-K-I-M-P-Y. There was a tiny little Japanese woman who liked to brush her teeth before diving. There were several chain smoking English people who actually swam to an island to have a fag. Our boat was a genuine melting pot of culture.

Sharing a hostel room with six other people means a serious lack of sleep, which my shaky writing can attest to.

Our final days in Exmouth will primarily be about two things: a) avoiding jellyfish and b) finding a whale shark. My worst nightmare would be a whale shark with several jellyfish in tow. If that happened, who knows? My head might actually explode.

Mike-astrophe!

Hello! I am sending yet another useless report of glib, smug wish-you-were-here kind of reportage and most of all, I wish to share with you some very important information as regards a certain Mike Freeman, my boyfriend, fellow traveller and someone you could call Uniquely Disastrous. Fortunately, his disasters are usually funny:

1) Losing his glasses out of his pocket on his first day of work (he had to pay 450 dollars for a new pair). Verdict: Not Funny
2) Misplacing my aunt's key from the hiding place that she had specifically told us about, but fortunately they were able to get back in the house through an unlocked door. Mike later recovered the key. Verdict: Humourous
3) Losing his plane tickets and going to Qantas with his tail between his legs to see if he could get them replaced, only to find them later that evening on the bed.Verdict: Hilarious (in retrospect)

I can't claim to be the perfect traveller - indeed, my disasters would rival Mike's if he wasn't such a sporting type who is of great help, usually, but I report these events as they all occurred in an alarmingly short time period. We may all laugh at the 'someone's gonna get eaten by a whale shark' jokes but when we are prying Mike out from between the jaws of a thrashing sea behemoth, no one will be laughing. No one!

Ok, a quick summary of events in the week past: went to karaoke on Tuesday night where Mike sang the Divinyls 'I Touch Myself' (fortunately without actions). Swam with bottlenose dolphins on Wednesday - they frolicked! They ate! They mated! They harassed female dolphins! Went to AQWA, WA's premier aquarium on Saturday then to a school fete (don't ask) where Mike rode one of those bucking bronco me-bobbies and lasted a glorious 30 seconds. Sunday - more aqua related activities - we went body boarding in the morning which was great fun. You can't feel more Aussie than when you are smelling decadently of pies and sunscreen and you are riding some sort of a wave. We also went snorkelling but a cyclone had rather chopped up the water and left us with little visibility. Oh well. The adventures continue to roll in thick and fast.

I also braved the immigration office again and found out, according to some trusty bureaucratic computers, that I am still officially an Australian citizen. If I get my passport, I can stay here indefinitely! I will now patiently await the barrage of mail begging me not to do that....(still waiting)

Exmouth tomorrow! Whale sharks the day after!